Today we surrendered the car to the Nissan dealership. Surrendered. That's the word they used. It sounds so defeated. I was a valient soldier in the War of the Lemon Cube. I won the Battle of the Arbitration but Nissan won the whole war in the end. I'm sorry for them though. I mean that truly. I think of the Bolsheviks who won the revolution, but what did they really win? What did they do with what they won? They simply opened themselves up morally to face charges of crimes against humanity and became accountable to God (one day) for their horrors wrought upon mankind.
Nissan is nothing really. They make cars. A car. It gets you from point A to point B. That's a good thing. But when they make a mistake, they don't own up to it. They don't treat their customers respectfully. They try to squash them, they lie, hope to wear them down so they'll give it up. They never apologize and they don't make the situation right.
Let's pretend Nissan was a teenager.
Mother: Nissan, did you make a mistake and make a broken car?
Nissan: No.
Mother: Are you sure? It's not working right.
Nissan: It looks fine to me.
Mother: Well, I tried to start it and it wouldn't go. Later it started up all by itself. That's not good, is it?
Nissan: Well it never does that to me. If I don't see it do that,then I don't believe you. You probably are just too dumb and don't know how to do it right. Why don't you read the owner's manual and look at the page that tells you how to start a car.
Mother: Listen here, Nissan. I've been starting cars for 25 years. I'm not so dumb as you think.
Nissan: Yeah, but you're old fashioned. You don't know how to go from a key-turned ignition to a push button.
Mother: My 1974 Saab was a push button, you little stinker. It's not that tricky. Now, what are you going to do about the broken car? You can either fix it or replace it.
Nissan: Ummm, how about if I give you an extended warranty?
Mother: Do you hear how silly that sounds? What good is an extended warranty on a broken vehicle?
Nissan: Well, it's an awesome warranty. 100,000 miles, free oil changes and tire rotations.
Mother: Does that mean that I'd have to keep taking my vehicle in for 100,000 miles with the same problem instead of just the 36,000. No, I really don't want that. I want you to fix the car or take it back.
Nissan: Ummm, do you know how stupid that is? I'm offering you something awesome and you're saying no. If someone pulled up to your house with a car full of diamonds and offered them to you, would you say no? This is a car full of diamonds! Don't be stupid!
Mother:This conversation is over. You don't talk to me like that.
Nissan: Take it or leave it.
Mother: Just fix the car.
Nissan:No.
Mother:Then take it back.
Nissan: No, make me.
Mother: Okay, I didn't want to have to involve your father in this, but here we go.
Father: (Arbitrator) What's the deal here? What's all this back and forth he said she said?
Mother: Nissan made a broken car and won't fess up and take it back.
Father: Is that true Nissan?
Nissan: No. She's just stupid and doesn't know how to start a car.
Father: Do you have proof it's broken?
Mother. I do. Here are my videos, and my firends are here to tell about when they saw it start all by itself.
Father: Nissan, you clearly made a broken car. You need to take it back.
Nissan: Alright, alright. But I'm not giving the money back. In fact, I'll make you pay!
Mother: I don't think so.
Nissan: You'll see. You think you've won , but you haven't.
Mother: Okay, Nissan. Did you get all the money that I paid for car ready?
Nissan: No. And Dad told me that I don't really have to give it back to you. By the way, I want my allowance please.
Mother: You're nuts. You're not getting a thing.
Nissan: Then I'm going to make your life miserable. I'm sending you a bill for $3,000.
Mother: For what, may I ask?
Nissan: For ticking me off. I'm going to charge you for using the car, for everything I can think of. Mostly it's to show you that I'm not sorry and I'm not giving you a penny.
Mother:We'll see.
Nissan: Hey what's the deal? Why are all your stupid friends and family writing me all these e mails?
Mother: Because they're really appalled at how horrid you,ve been. They said they'll never buy a car from you.
Nissan: Well, I just blocked everyone! I couldn't care less what they think.
Mother: IS that why you sent me a new lower bill?
Nissan: Maybe. But y ou'd better pay me that money. I still want my allowance too.
Mother: You know, I' think that somewhere someone has failed you. You have an enabling father, an enormous sense of entitlement, you make up all your own rules and you have no moral character. You haven't even apologized for all this mess.
Nissan: And I won't either. And if you press it, I'll just say it, but I won't mean it.
Mother: Look, I've been thinking hard about this. I'm going to pay you your money that you're demanding. And then, I'm kicking you out of thie house forever. You are a pathetic, dishonest person. Did I say person? You aren't even human. You have the weakest and worst kind of character. Time will tell, liitle Mr. Nissan. You can't keep this up forever. I don't care how cute you are, how clever you are, or how nice you dress. Eventually, too many people will figure you out. They always do. You'll shoot yourself in the foot somewhere else.
Nissan: How about I get you into a new car at my cost.
Mother: Out!
Nissan: It's a good deal.
Mother: Out! Take your money and be sure that you are not invited for Thanksgiving!
Now that's some tough love!
